The Heart of Repentance
by Velvel "Wally" Spiegler

We have reached the month of Elul and the period of T'shuvah (repentance) where we begin to seriously review our conduct of the past year to determine what in our lives needs improvement.  The process we call T'shuvah goes something like this: first you acknowledge what you did wrong, next feel sorry about it, then you confess your sin and finally, promise not to do it again. A worthy task indeed, but the task is remarkably naive. I think we unconsciously do it again as soon as we resolve not to do it again; that's because we're unable to really see how we behave. Others see us, but not ourselves.

In order to grasp this a little better, let's understand what a sin is. In Hebrew the word is cheit whose root means "to miss the mark". It sort of implies an archer who took aim and missed the mark. What's the mark, the target? It seems that each of us has at least two choices for every action we take. The mark is the right choice. How do we know that we hit it? A subtle sensation arises from deep within summoning us to do the right thing. That sense comes directly from the spiritual dimension, the Divine. If you selected the wrong choice, you sinned. If you're attentive, you realize there are no ethics, no morality, only right choices.

So the work of T'shuvah is, as the Hebrew meaning suggests turning: to turn from our earthly mundane existence to the deep within where the soul directs our lives. It's more than resolving not to sin again, it's learning to listen to that still, small voice, that resounds from deep within. We can't listen if were preoccupied with the busy-ness of everyday life; we have to practice conscious, awake listening. We can do that through simply paying attention. Maybe that's what the Torah means when it says "Sh'ma Yisroel", Hear O Israel.

The problem is that we can't really know how and when we sin. The feelings and emotions that generate behavior remain unconscious in most case. And until we can resolve those feelings, we keep on committing the same sins, over and over again. In simple cases when we can be aware of our behavior, like being intentionally rude to someone, we can choose not to behave that way again. In most cases, however, we are either unconscious of our behavior or we choose such behaviors to avoid painful feelings. For example, I may have problems expressing my true feelings to someone because it seems like a threat to my self-esteem, at that moment I may have sinned. The only thing we can honestly do is T'shuvah, turning inward. In those moments of getting still enough to listen to yourself, troublesome issues that are in conflict with our conscious minds begin to appear. So that when we, Israel, truly hear the messages within and can experience them with the conscious mind, then and only then can we resolve those issues and not repeat the behavior. The only real clue we have to the sins we commit is the recognition of those areas in our lives that are not working.

Soon we come to Rosh haShanah, the new year and the themes of new beginnings and renewal. The holiday prayer book, the machzor, designates the day as the birthday of the world. According to tradition this is when creation began, and to re-live creation is our chance to do T'shuvah once again. We continue the process by paying special attention to the Rosh haShanah mussaf, the additional service which outlines in detail the three motifs of the day: kingship, remembrance and the shofar. A call to ask us to remember who we really are and a shofar blast to awaken us to our inappropriate behavior.

So how will you make T'shuvah this year? Will it be subscribing to morality centered behavior or will it be learning to listen to the still voice deep within? This, then, is the mystery of T'shuvah: when we can realize our true fears and problems and can confess them at Yom Kippur, God sees to our healing through His forgiveness. L'shanah tovah.